Amsterdam's best Easter chocolate.
It's almost time to stuff our faces but who does the best chocolate in town?
Amsterdam is the land of chocolate and Easter is its primetime.
The runway to Easter has been a long one. Chocolate’s been on display in Albert Heijn since, oh, about New Year’s Day. In recent weeks, I’ve allowed myself that first flirtatious glance. Let me tell you, the choc’s been winking back.
Easter is, in many ways, better than Christmas. I know that’s a controversial thing to say and I say it as someone who used to be worryingly obsessed with Christmas. My festive playlist would be on repeat from 1st October. Once 27th December hit, I’d loudly declare it all OVER, demand we take the tree down and consign myself to feeling deathly absence for the next ten months. Those were some manic mood swings.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve found that holidays mean less to me. Still, I’ll (calmly) defend Easter as the best. For one, it’s in spring, a wholly better season than winter, which these days is an endless, fetid breath of 13°C and rain. For two, there are no presents to worry about, no rampant capitalist guilt to negotiate. For critical three, chocolate takes centre stage.
Not only is chocolate in Amsterdam fantastically delicious, it’s also quite fantastical: walking into a chocolatier is like entering a magical land. We’re exceptionally lucky to have such a good spectrum of chocolatiers here, with chichi at one end and pleasingly old school at the other. Most of these chocolatiers offer Easter chocolate. I’m going to be honest, some of these offerings look downright demented to me, less magical land and more horror film. You haven’t lived a nightmare until you’ve seen a squad of murderous chocolate bunnies glare at you, ready to sink their buck teeth into your fragile neck.
Anyway, I’ve conducted a thorough taste test of Amsterdam’s chocolatiers, bringing in a few commercial options too because Easter is about quantity of chocolate just as much as it is quality. For each option, I spent up to €15 (or just over by a few cents), but frequently less than that.
Did I feel sick doing this? Yes. Did I continue to plough myself with chocolate regardless? Yes. Did this cause alarm amongst my loved ones in the same way my Santa-mania used to? Yes. Do I have a whole cupboard of half-eaten demented Easter bunnies? Stop asking me questions.
Onto our taste test…
Albert Heijn’s milk chocolate Easter egg
Costing less than €2, Albert Heijn’s egg is our budget option. At first, I enjoy its wrinkly, faux-gold wrapping but soon enough I learn that this is a near-literal attempt at polishing a turd. This egg is pure sugar. It’s a half-to-no-arse attempt at chocolate cosplay, similar to putting on your favourite T-shirt and a pair of jeans for a costume party and telling everyone you’ve dressed up as someone who goes to a party. My ensuing sugar rush is more powerful than the vortex of light at the end of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. That was 24 years ago by the way and not only did we never evolve, we’ve actually started devolving. God, maybe I will eat more of this egg.
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Tony’s Chocolonely paaseitjes oeufs de Pâques
There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must learn that Dutch juggernaut Tony’s Chocolonely is not pronounced Tony’s Choco-lony but Choco-lone-ly, a devastating truth on par with learning Santa isn’t real (2016 was a tough year for me). The egg box is a cute gimmick, but I’m a little disappointed to discover that the options insides are simply various Tony’s Choco-lone-ly flavours reconstituted in egg form. It seems lazy. C’mon Big Tone, I’ve been to your shop, this isn’t a labour issue: you use bloody robots! Perhaps I’m being harsh but I eat Tony’s year-round – at Easter, I want some kind of playful twist. Humph.
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ArtiChoc
My breakfast egg set from ArtiChoc is not only adorable but it showcases three chocolates at once, giving me the opportunity to taste the full range of this famed chocolatier – which, by the way, has a wall of running liquid chocolate in its shop. You have to see it to believe it. I bite at the egg, only for my teeth to smack against an impenetrable, solid block of chocolate. OW! Call my lawyer! I try hammering it with a rolling pin but it somehow resists. I have no choice but to gnaw at it with my molars. I don’t know who this chocolate is designed for – alligators maybe? God knows what would happen if you were to feed it to a child.
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Van Soest’s Bunny in Egg
Van Soest’s bunny has walked through the door at 06:00 after an all-night bender: these boggly eyes betray cocaine and sambuca. Now he’s feeling hollow inside. He is also, literally, hollow inside. Despite this, he’s still surprisingly weighty. I could use him a weapon, evidenced by the fact that on the cycle ride home, I accidentally knocked him into the side of the van and he somehow survived with only the thinnest crack (you should have seen the van). Onto the milk chocolate, which is too sweet for me. My gums seize. There’s a strong taste of dairy, in a full fat milk kind of way, which leads me to conclude this bunny would be perfect for children – if he cleans his act up, of course.
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Patisserie Holtkamp’s Easter eggs
Patisserie Holtkamp is longstanding confectioner that refuses to be anything other than itself: it’s not trying to be Insta-savvy nor has it spawned into an unwieldy, insipid chain. I love that there are always little, old ladies in the queue. Inside, the classical decor of gleaming glass and gold-rimmed mirror could be straight from a novel. Chocolat, presumably. My Easter eggs come nestled in a bed of tissue paper and for good reason: they’re hella delicate. Of all the chocolates, these are the stingiest. Perhaps they’re an attempt to replicate actual egg shells? I don’t know, but for €12.95, I feel cheated. I check under the tissue paper to see if there’s anything else there… like a €10 note? Nope.
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Chocolaterie Candela’s Easter bunny
Candela’s Easter bunny is the only bunny I’m sure isn’t out to kill me: it almost looks quite sweet with its milk and white colouring, its goofy, who me? smile. The bunny is straddling a basket of eggs, though the longer I look at it, the more convinced I am that it’s actually sitting on a toilet. Have we caught our bunny doing a dump? Would it poo chocolate? Would the poo taste good? I’ve had too much sugar. The chocolate is pleasingly thick, a little less sweet than others but not by much. I’m delighted to discover that the trio of brightly coloured eggs are some sort of jelly bean situation. This is a very child-friendly bunny – especially useful for potty training: look at the bunny, Jesper! Look at how he’s going potty like a good boy!
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Jumbo’s Paaseitjes Melk, Wit & Puur
I can’t shake the feeling that Jumbo’s eggs look a little Jurassic: they have polka dot patterns and a cracked surface. Is a velociraptor about to spring out?! Sadly, there are no dinos inside, just pure chocolate and I have to say, it’s quite tasty! The milk is smooth and, crucially, not too sweet; the dark is bitter like black coffee; the white has notes of caramelisation. Clever girls. Jumbo, I’m surprised! A great option for eggs hunts, Easter tables and dinosaur-themed parties.
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Jordino’s Easter sheep
When is something too cute to eat? That’s the question I’m forced to answer with Jordino’s sweet, little sheep. Just look at that ovine smile. You ain’t gonna eat me, are you Mista? 🥺 I avoid making eye contact. Sorry, I whisper, as I bite into his head. But his head won’t come off. Mista? What’s going on? Please, Mista! 🥺 In panic, I yank hard until – Mista! 🥺 – the head comes off. A grotesque spray of sheepy white chocolate litters the table. The room’s gone silent, only the clock ticks in the kitchen. Trembling, I bring the sheep to my mouth. The white chocolate tastes a little banana-y, the milk chocolate has a broad, welcoming flavour, undermined by a slight cardboardy finish. Still, this chocolate tastes distinct from the others. I put its remains back in the cupboard, suppressing a sob. I swear I can still hear it saying Mista, Mista? 🥺
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Pompadour’s dark chocolate bunny
Pompadour is a chocolatier in De 9 Straatjes that operates with a fair amount of pomp: its interiors are ornate gold, its chocolate cabinets quite haughty. I immediately regret visiting in flip-flops and a puffer jacket. My bunny smells deep (a sentence I never thought I’d write), clearly a product of cocoa and not corn starch, and it carries a little chocolate egg in its hands – but! – the egg is melded on, the wrapper is just an illusion. I feel disproportionally angry about this as I chomp through the bunny’s ears. The flavour is fantastic, tasting like hot chocolate but in solid form – silky, smooth, luxurious. I love that it’s compromised of two layers, leading to a crumble-effect in my mouth. Brilliant stuff.
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Vanroselen’s Easter Eggs
These are the most bird-looking of all the Easter eggs, so if ornithological accuracy is important to you, head to Vanroselen. Speckled, veined, like a marble worktop. They look chic in a Elle Decoration way: if your Easter table uses a lacy tablecloth and is strewn with freshly picked flowers, these are the chocolates for you. The egg has a pleasing crack, much like eating an actual unbroken egg, not that I’ve ever done that. The insides have a lightness of touch and are perfectly proportioned: a hard chocolate layer acts like an egg white, a caramel centre as a yolk. How playful! How extravagant! The chocolate is smooth, a little husky, like a late night jazz singer. I take my bunny ears off to Vanrosolen, this is exquisite stuff.
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Winner: Vanroselen’s Easter Eggs
This is an easy one: nothing comes close to Vanroselen’s eggs, which are a triple threat of crispy shell, smooth chocolate and caramel interior. And they look damn good too.
OK BYE!
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